News of the upcoming vacations of radio hosts Kenny Burgamy and Charles Richardson came as a blow to loyal listeners, but nothing like the realization that they would be deprived of daily parodies written by staff writer Steve Scroggins. Listeners realized that they would continue to get local news and issues from the substitute hosts for the week of July 5th-9th, but the lack of parodies could cause severe withdrawals as the humor glands begin to shrink.

To assess how Macon was preparing for this predicament, man-on-the-street interviews were conducted to ask citizens how they would cope without daily parodies on the radio show.

"What parodies? Never heard of Scroggins, " said Jill, a bank teller.

"Parity? Are we on that again? Just pay the firefighters and policeman what they're worth," said Bob, an attorney.

"Who needs parody? I just read the latest news about city council or the county commission when I want a laugh," said Fred, a downtown merchant. "Reality is stranger and funnier than any fiction that wacko staff writer can dream up."

"Good, I can't stand those parodies," said Tony, a full-time Democrat and perpetual sourpuss.

Increasingly bored with the clean, issues-oriented campaigns run by both gentlemen vying for the office of mayor, WMAC radio AM940 announced that it would sponsor a boxing match between Buck Melton and Jack Ellis. "I moderated the mayoral candidate's forum held by Caution Macon and all we got were a few light jabs. There were no bruising uppercuts nor any knee-buckling roundhouses and most disappointingly, there was no blood," said Kenny Burgamy, co-host of the radio talk show airing weekday mornings. "If we don't get any blood from this first match, we may have to schedule a re-match without the gloves. If we don't get good results with that, we may have to resort to a candidate who is not a gentleman. Depending on what Mrs. Dillard does Wednesday, we may be able to get her and the two male candidates into a battle royal complete with a locked cage around the ring. The last one standing is the winner, " Burgamy said.

Burgamy was asked about his own unofficial candidacy. "Darn it, you know, I'd love to get into that battle royal or duke it out with the winner of the Melton/Ellis bout, but the FCC really frowns on media guys running for office. If I get in those fights, it would just draw too much attention. I'll have to stay low key and work quietly for the write-in votes," Burgamy said.

"Buck will buckle," said candidate Jack Ellis. "He's older than George Foreman, besides, I have the energy, I am the greatest! He'll go down by the fifth round," Ellis said. Melton, rumored to be working out in a crash training camp, could not be reached for comment.

An Atlanta development company withdrew its plans Monday to develop a mammoth shopping center near Zebulon Road and Interstate 475 that is opposed by nearby businesses and homeowners.

Jacoby Development Inc. withdrew its conditional usage and rezoning requests about three hours before both issues were to be heard by the Macon-Bibb County Planning and Zoning Commission. The action may have been prompted by the clamoring mob wielding pitchforks and torches outside the building where Planning & Zoning was to meet. "The pitchforks and torches didn't bother us," said attorney for the developer, Asti Spumante, "But when the guys wearing camouflage and carrying assault rifles showed up, we decided it was a good time to revise our plans and resubmit them later....maybe by mail."

Jacoby has proposed building a large home center, a big retail store, a monolithic shopping mall or two, a gigantic movie theater, several gargantuan sports stadiums, a few humongous factories, a sprawling apartment complex and several smaller stores on roughly 140 acres on Lamar and Zebulon roads. Critics say the plan is too dense and might cause traffic problems not to mention blocking sunlight to surrounding properties.

"To heck with jobs, growth and prosperity," said one local resident waving a torch. "I just don't want that traffic in my neighborhood."

An Atlanta contractor would not confirm reports that Jacoby ordered construction of a mote around their corporate building to commence immediately nor reports that they're installing a drawbridge and preparing for a siege. Backhoe operator Bubba Newsome said, "Shoot, I don't know. They just told me to dig the trench deep. I just work here, you need to talk to my foreman."

Ulcerses Maplewood, a deacon at Howard Chapel Baptist Church on Lamar Road, said he was disappointed the matter did not come to a vote. "We had the stakes and firewood all ready. Darn. They pulled a quick one on us," Maplewood said. "We're going to keep watching for them. It's been frustrating not being able to catch these guys."

Chairman of the Bibb County Democratic party Anthony B. "Tony the Tiger" Caldwell said Saturday that the key to winning the election is getting the most votes. Caldwell released a 20-page analysis of the political factors to consider in the mayors race. Caldwell worries about low voter turnout and the possible consequences in the November general election. "We have to guard against a Republican write-in candidate sneaking in with a dozen or so votes. If we Democrats have a lower than usual turnout, those dozen votes would win the election," Caldwell said.

Election experts said that the Democratic primary is effectively the general election this year since their are no Republicans on the ballot. "Not so," said radio talk host Kenny Burgamy. "Most Republicans, with the exception of Mabel Jones, could not afford the pay cut to run for mayor. But for a low paid radio guy, it's not a problem. The FCC has a hangup about media personalities running for office so I can't go on the ballot. But that does not stop people from writing in my name in the general election in November. If the Democratic turnout is below the average 0.35%, it might work," Burgamy said. Burgamy revealed his unofficial candidacy on the air Monday.

A reporter who asked not to be identified said that the key to the race was to interject some divisive issues to "spice up" the election. "Since both the candidates spout indistinguishable platitudes and rhetoric, we thought we needed to interject race and innuendo into the election just to get a little blood flowing," the reporter said. "Readers don't give a hoot about all that ethical crap on observing and not participating in the news; they want dirt, they want blood. Accordingly, we started a list of questions to throw at the candidates at their next press conference. For Buck Melton, our top three questions were: 'Do you still wear your white hood at night when you sit around the house?' and 'Why should the citizens of Macon choose a lawyer over a car salesman?' and "How many black people did you fire when you were mayor the last time?' For Jack Ellis we have these three questions: 'Do you ever hear from your friends in the Black Panther party?' and 'Do you still like to stomp on little puppies?' and "What do you view as the key differences between city politics and selling used cars?'" the anonymous reporter said. The reporter said that he felt it was his duty to stamp out boring issues-based elections between gentlemen and get citizens interested enough to vote. "When you're dealing with the MTV generation, you have to overcome the 8-second attention span problem and it takes emotional issues to do that," the reporter said.

In addition to the problems with old equipment, too many Georgians insist on using the interest-free savings plan and loaning their money through excessive withholding taxes to the State which in turn has to issue the money back in a short time period. "If more Georgians would be willing to just say 'Keep the change,' that would go a long way toward solving their----er, I mean our problem," Farberry said.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins